I'm sorry no one told you this
His voice still echoes through my head. The disgust. The repulsion. His unabashed rejection of my body. He probably doesn't see it that way, yet the cruel words still slash at my self-esteem more than a year later. Sometimes, if I look down at my little bulge of a tummy or happen to have a bit of that infamous "muffin top" hanging over my jeans those words hit me just as hard as when they were first uttered. This person I loved & adored had rejected me for something I could never escape. My own body.
And I had only gained 10 pounds. 10 measly pounds. Instead of the 115 I weighed at 19 or the 120 I had eased into in the following years, I found myself at 130.
And to be honest with you I have loved my body more then I ever did at 115 or even 120 when the worst thing that could ever happen to me was gain one extra pound. Because that's the worst thing that could ever happen to a person right? Gain a couple?
I have never felt so at home in my skin then when I finally reached that 130 point. I was in a miserable relationship and job devouring pumpkin spice bagels drenched in butter every day, sometimes twice. But I was so happy with my body.
I finally felt, for the first time, like a woman instead of some man's sexual dream incarnate. Like my body had finally become mine.
But time to time I'm still left to wrangle with those words so carelessly spoken. I still worry what others will think when they see me in a bathing suit.
And what I want to say by telling you this, darling, is you are not alone. Maybe, you too have someone you held close to your heart who spoke cruel words causing you to want to crawl out of your skin. Maybe, the person speaking those words is you.
And I am sorry.
I am sorry that society has built up these ideals of 6 packs, bikini bridges and yogurt for breakfast. I am sorry that we as women feel as though we are prisoner to these harsh restrictions, held down by these heavy chains. And I am most sorry that no one ever told you that you hold the key. That you've had it all along. And if at any point you want to shrug the weight of expectation off all you have to do is say the word. To put your foot down and say "enough". To say enough of the shame and fear. Enough of the liquid cleanses and restrictive diets. Enough of the bikini boot camps and 5k runs each morning.
To stand up tall and proud and say to the world "Enough. I am enough exactly as I stand here before you and I will never mold myself to be anything else to please you. I. AM. ENOUGH."
You have been all along,